Today's post is a little different, and a bit more serious than my previous ones. I wanted to talk about Chronic Illness to you all, because it is something that defines a huge portion of my life and I want to reach out to people who understand. I've found that feeling alone is something that comes with Chronic Illnesses and it can be hard at times to comprehend that other people are out there who feel the same way as you do, so hopefully by talking about it, if only one person who this affects reads this post and it makes them feel comforted, surely that's nothing less than a wonderful thing.
So, for those of you who don't know, Chronic Illness is an umbrella term which can be used for many different diseases, conditions and illnesses. The Center for Managing Chronic Disease defines the term as follows: "Chronic Disease is a long-lasting condition that can be controlled but not cured." This covers a huge amount of diseases such as Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, Diabetes, Epilepsy, Chrohn's Disease, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Irritable Bowel Syndrome; the latter of which affects me. This is not an extensive list, and these conditions are all very diverse, making it hard for people with Chronic Illnesses to find others who understand, because they are literally all completely different. The similarity, however, between them all that unifies them is the effect mentally that they have on the sufferer. They are exhausting and burdening things to have to live with and mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety, and other disorders related to them are not uncommon in people with Chronic Illness, and can be caused or worsened by the mental strains of living with one.
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| A literal description of me on a daily basis. |
I have struggled with depression for a very long time. I was about fourteen when I first started to feel depressed, which scared me because I didn't understand it and why it felt so different to other feelings of sadness. I'm not entirely sure what originally brought it on but then again maybe nothing did; some scientists have argued that mental illness is partially innate and can be set off very easily in people who genetically have a predisposition to it. I suffered with my depression for a very long time before I sought medical help for it, thanks to which it is not such a big part of my life now because it is controlled. I tried lots of things to control it such as cognitive behavioural therapy and different kinds of antidepressants before I found something that worked for me. I now take Fluoxetine daily to help control it, which I have done for quite a while, and it seems to be working.
Anxiety, however, is something which did not occur until fairly recently for me. The first time I had a panic attack was only about four years ago and I was terrified because I had no idea what it was, and anxiety was something that I had never even heard of before. Since then it gradually and steadily got worse, and I eventually went to the doctors and was diagnosed with a Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). My anxiety is largely social so I tried cognitive behavioural therapy to combat it, which did begin to work short-term but gradually it crept back upon me when the therapy course was over. I now take Propranolol (a beta-blocker) for my anxiety which does help, but unlike depression for me, it is something that is not completely controlled by my medication and it is something which I have to battle with daily even now.
Chronic disease is part of the reason that this affects me so badly every day. I have been diagnosed with IBS, which is a digestive condition that affects how well your body can digest certain foods and can make you feel almost constantly unwell, and make you feel sick and sleepy and give you crippling stomach pains, speaking from experience. Basically it's horrible. Stomach bugs suck, right? Of course they do. Imagine having one 24/7 - that's what it feels like. One of the main triggers of my social anxiety is fearing that I might start to feel sick in the presence of other people or while I'm away from home, which is completely rational and quite possible when you have IBS, so I often get scared to leave the house and do things which most people would enjoy, because I worry that I'll feel sick. Even things like going shopping or to the cinema are terrifying to me, and having friends round my house is a nightmare because it means that I can't escape. Restaurants are my worst nightmare, which is strange if you know me because I actually love eating. It literally sucks the fun out of everything. I've been to countless doctor and specialist appointments trying to figure out what's causing my IBS or how I can stop it to no avail. Eventually they pretty much said that I have IBS and it sucks but there's not a lot that I can do about it.
I don't mean to be getting my violin out or anything like that, I'm not writing this post for pity; but I want to make people see how much Chronic Illness sufferers go through on a daily basis. Those things that I just talked about are just how that one illness affects me personally. In my opinion, I actually have it quite lightly - I think that IBS, although awful, is one of the least traumatic Chronic Illnesses to have. I can't imagine what some people have to go through with things like MS and Lupus, who not only endure my symptoms and physical pain in their stomach like I do on a daily basis, but endure crippling pain all over their bodies too, and other things on top of that. Absolute soldiers. I have so much respect for people who have to cope with those things.
As you can imagine, many people with these illnesses often feel alone, not only mentally, but physically. Sometimes when people are going out to have fun, they can't go, because they're far too exhausted or in too much pain to be able to physically withstand it. I'm no stranger to the feeling of jealousy of healthy people that this brings, I feel it almost every time I see one of my friends having fun without a care. I know that sounds horrible, but when it's everything you dream of and they do it without a second thought you can't help but feel a pang of sadness and resentment every time they do.
So, I know what you're thinking... what then? You're just alone and miserable and bitter and there's nothing you can do about it? Well, yes and no. I used to think so, but there's something which I discovered not so long ago when I felt at my worst that helped me cope and made me feel normal for the first time in a very long time. The spoon theory.
Finally I had found something that accurately described how I felt, evidence that people actually understood. Then I found a whole community of people called 'Spoonies' who suffer with Chronic Illness, and finally I had found people I could actually relate to. Since then I've joined many Spoonie societies online, and through hearing their stories and complaints I feel less alone. I've made some lovely Spoonie friends, too through Tumblr. I now actually can laugh at my illness thanks to the IBS tag on this website, which has endless pages of crude yet hilarious posts taking a hilarious relatable spin on Chronic Illness. Take a look, you'll laugh I promise.
So besides generally venting about how much it sucks to be chronically ill, the point of this post was firstly to raise awareness, as I know how people can tend to react when you have illnesses like these, because they don't understand. I think it would be cool if more people knew about Chronic Illness and how much it sucks and how to deal with people who have it. I'm lucky because I have a wonderful, understanding, supportive partner who understands my condition and how to deal with me when I'm having a bad flare up, and lets me complain when people are being difficult about it, but I know that everyone isn't that lucky. Basically though, just don't be a dick. I know it's frustrating to have a friend or family member or student or employee who's chronically ill, but imagine how frustrating it is for them to have to deal with actually having the illness and listen to you whinge about their cancelling all the time over something that they can not avoid. It's pretty crappy, believe me. The main reason I wanted to write about it though is to reach out to people. I know how alone you feel, and I understand how hard it is. But I also believe that spoonies are the strongest people in the world and together we can fight the mental effects of Chronic Illness, and on days when we don't have enough spoons left, we can be alone and miserable together. :)
I want to say thank you to the spoonie community because you all genuinely make me feel so happy and so much less alone, and on days when you feel at your worst, to not feel alone is the most magical thing in the world. If you have a Chronic or Mental Illness please tell me because I want to be your friend, nobody wants to go through these things alone and if I can help anyone the same way that other spoonies helped me then I most definitely would like to. You are never ever alone.
Stay Spoonie Strong!!! <3
Ciao for now,
Lauren xoxo
Are you a Spoonie? Comment and tell me if you are!
If you need help managing Chronic Illness you can find it here, or if you have a Mental Illness then you can visit this page for help.
Thank you so much for reading this post. By doing so you have already made yourself more aware, and that's one step closer to making the world a better place.
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